Domestic violence exists in same-sex relationships. For decades, community service announcements and public education campaigns ignored gay domestic violence. But domestic violence is violence, whether it is between a straight couple, two women, two men or any other combination of people in an intimate relationship. Gay domestic violence often begins as coercive control, long before it turns physical, and it can show up in many other ways. Recognising the red flags and overcoming the fear around reporting is just as important for gay couples. So how do you know if you are in an abusive gay relationship or with a controlling partner?
Content warning: This article contains details of gay domestic violence and same-sex coercive control. If you need support now, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or Triple Zero (000) in an emergency.
Gay Domestic Violence Often Starts with Coercive Control
The Australian Government defines coercive control as someone using patterns of abusive behaviour against another person. Over time, this builds fear and wears away a person’s freedom, one small restriction at a time.
The Family Law Act 1975 includes coercive or controlling behaviour in its definition of family violence, and 1800RESPECT describes violence as any situation where one person hurts another or makes them feel unsafe.
Abuse often starts well before physical violence. Your boyfriend or husband does not need to hit you to be abusing you. When one partner acts to restrict your independence, choices and relationships, that is abuse. Since 1 July 2024, coercive control has been a crime in New South Wales. It is a gender-neutral offence that carries a maximum penalty of seven years in prison, and it reflects an international shift away from asking ‘Did your partner assault you?’ towards asking ‘What pattern of power and control has developed in this relationship?’
Coercive control is a pattern, not a single incident. It includes behaviour like checking a partner’s phone, controlling their social contact, regularly humiliating them, monitoring their location, making threats, controlling money and denying independence.
It is also common. According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, a 2017–18 survey of almost 900 gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer men found that 62% reported having experienced physical, verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship.
Gay domestic violence does not occur only in neighbourhoods with high proportions of gay couples, like Potts Point, Collingwood or New Farm. From Forbes to Fremantle to Fortitude Valley, Katherine to Kalgoorlie to Kangaroo Valley, men in same-sex relationships are subject to controlling behaviour and abuse. The patterns are often hidden but can be identified through supportive conversations with a gay therapist or counsellor.
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How Domestic Violence Shows Up Between Two Men
Many of us started our gay lives believing the gay community would be a source of refuge from the abuse and violence of the wider world. But gay communities are not free of violence or abuse. Any gay community contains a diversity of people with different values and the same potential for harm as the general society in which it exists. It is a comforting thought that we all live in a queertopia, but every kind of relationship can be touched by violence.
In my work as a queer and gay male therapist, I hear many accounts of controlling behaviour and same-sex domestic violence. It can happen at home or on holidays, with someone you are dating or in long-term relationships and marriages.
Gay domestic violence shows up in many ways. For example, your partner demands your phone password, repeatedly accuses you of cheating, monitors where you are, tells you what you can and can’t wear, prevents you going out alone, blocks your movement out of a room or threatens suicide if you end the relationship. Some of these tactics are specific to gay relationships, like threats to out you to your family, employer or church, or threats to disclose your HIV status or other health information, your drug use or sex work. Sharing your nudes without your consent is abusive and can also be a form of control. These tactics are known as identity-based abuse.
Additional criminal offences cover stalking and harassment by ex-partners, and these behaviours are recognised as crimes throughout Australia.
It is worth clarifying something: enjoying an open relationship, using Grindr or engaging in fetishes or BDSM does not make a relationship abusive. Neither does a sexless relationship. This is where some straight therapists and some religiously based counsellors get it wrong. Without an understanding of gay sex culture, mainstream therapy can be a judgemental place to find yourself. I would always recommend that queer and gay men find a counsellor who is sex-positive and affirming of LGBTQIA+ practices.
The agreements negotiated by queer couples and throuples don’t mirror those of straight relationships. But if your partner justifies his controlling behaviour by claiming you ‘broke the rules’, it is still coercive control. Healthy gay relationships are based on continuing consent and negotiation. If either partner is trying to dominate the other, the relationship is likely suffering enmeshment at the very least, and codependent gay relationships are at risk of becoming abusive and controlling.
The Red Flags for Coercive Control and Gay Domestic Abuse
Would you, as a queer or gay man, recognise coercive control if it were happening to you? Here are some signs I have seen that gay men often miss:
- Your partner repeatedly blames you for problems in the relationship. Every relationship has its difficulties, but a controlling partner treats every problem as your fault and never examines his own part.
- Your partner continues to touch you in ways you don’t enjoy or uses language that offends you. When small incidents are left unchecked and repeated, a pattern of abuse builds. Your partner might claim he is just teasing you but, if you have asked him to stop and he continues, it is a sign of disrespect and part of a pattern of devaluing you.
- Your partner claims you are responsible for the way he thinks about himself. Every person is responsible for the relationship he has with himself. For example, if your partner claims he doesn’t feel ‘masculine’ because you won’t bottom for him, that is a controlling way of avoiding responsibility for his own identity. You have a right to decline sex or access to your body, regardless of how your partner feels when you do. Consent is never an obligation, however long you have been together or whether you are married.
- You are isolated from friends, including your queer friends. He discourages, punishes or sulks about your friendships until your world gets smaller.
- He controls the money. This includes limiting your access to funds, sabotaging your work or running up debts in your name.
- He monitors you digitally. He tracks your location, reads your messages or accesses your accounts.
- He weaponises HIV, PrEP or other medication. He pressures you to stop or start medication, hides it from you or refuses safe sex.
- He pressures you sexually. This includes pushing you into sex acts, group sex or chemsex, or using drugs to lower your resistance.
- He uses homophobia against you. Lines like ‘no one else will want you’ or ‘you’re lucky to have me’ are designed to make you feel trapped.
- He threatens your visa or immigration status. This is a particular risk for gay men from migrant backgrounds.
- He reverses the roles. He tells friends or the police that you are the abusive one, or reports you first.
- He threatens or harms your pets, property or children. He breaks or hides your belongings to frighten you.
- You are walking on eggshells. You live in a cycle of intensity, blow-up, apology and reunion, and you change your own behaviour to avoid his reaction.
If any of these examples are setting off alarm bells, that is your body telling you something is wrong. Listen to it.
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How much freedom do you still have inside this relationship? Can you say no? Can you have friends independently? Can you disagree? Can you leave the house without explaining yourself? Can you end the relationship? Can you keep reasonable parts of your life private? Can you negotiate relationship agreements without fear of punishment?
If you are unsure about any of these questions, it is time to talk it over with a professional or supportive friend.
Why Gay Domestic Violence Goes Unreported
As in straight relationships, a lot of coercive control and domestic violence in gay relationships goes unreported.
Sometimes this is simply because it has gone unrecognised or unnamed. After a while, abuse can feel normal, especially if it began years ago or has escalated gradually over time. But even when it is obvious, many men minimise their partner’s controlling behaviour.
In my work with gay men, I have heard survivors of gay domestic violence justify their partner’s actions with a range of excuses.
‘He plays a lot of sport so he probably has a lot of testosterone and couldn’t help himself.‘
‘He’s got ADHD (or autism, depression or anxiety, or he’s on Ozempic, SARMs, steroids or performance-enhancing drugs).‘
It’s true that anger, mood changes and increased aggression are psychological effects associated with anabolic steroid use. But that does not remove responsibility for abusive behaviour. Neither does athleticism or any form of neurodiversity or mental health diagnosis.
Then there is fear. Some men choose not to report violence or controlling behaviour out of fear of losing a relationship with someone very attractive, with muscles and model looks. But boyfriends are not trophies. Remaining under the spell of physical beauty can be dangerous, particularly if it throws you into denial about his unacceptable behaviour.
There is also the fear of not being taken seriously. As men, we are raised under the myth of masculinity, told that we need to be strong and handle whatever life throws at us without complaint. Many men feel embarrassed by the prospect of reporting coercive control or domestic violence, as if they should be able to deal with it themselves. But physical size does not determine whether you will be on the receiving end of controlling behaviour or violence. I have worked with plenty of men who were much stronger and bigger than their partners and were still being attacked emotionally, verbally and physically. Not everyone wants to fight back, whether they can or not. The ability to protect yourself physically should never define whether you are on the receiving end of coercive control or violence.
There is also the threat of being outed or having private details disclosed to others. For many men, the fear of exposure is a lock on the door. Coercive control can involve threats to disclose HIV status, sexuality or another private matter to an employer, family members or the media, and those threats can stop a man from reporting the abuse. It can feel like being trapped in gay domestic violence. But such threats can be criminal offences, and legal protections are available.
Can I Get an AVO Against My Partner?
Yes. In New South Wales, an apprehended violence order (AVO) is a court order that restricts a person’s behaviour and contact with you. Where the people are or were in a domestic relationship, including same-sex partners and ex-partners, it is called an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order (ADVO). Police can apply for an order on your behalf, and temporary orders can be put in place while the matter goes to court. Breaching an AVO is a criminal offence. Other states use different names, such as domestic violence orders in Queensland and family violence intervention orders in Victoria.
What Can You Do About Gay Domestic Violence?
Naming it is the first act of power. Once you can see coercive control for what it is, you can begin to answer it.
Practically speaking, the first step may be to reach out in confidence to a support service. In Australia, several funded services can help you talk through what is happening, get a reality check and find out your options.
- QLife: A free, anonymous, Australia-wide peer support and referral service for LGBTQIA+ people who want to talk about sexuality, gender, relationships, mental health or other concerns.
- MensLine Australia: A free national telephone and online counselling service for men experiencing relationship difficulties, family and domestic violence, emotional distress or other personal concerns.
- 1800RESPECT: Australia’s national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling, information and support service, available 24 hours a day to people experiencing violence or abuse and those supporting them.
If you would benefit from more consistent and regular support to escape coercive control or gay domestic violence, a private therapist could be a good option. Choose a practitioner who is a member of a professional association with a code of ethics, and who has insurance, qualifications and experience. If you see an eligible provider, such as a psychologist or an accredited mental health social worker, you can receive a Medicare rebate with a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP.
In an emergency, where there is any immediate risk to your safety, always call Triple Zero (000).
Some men worry the police will not take them seriously. But police are public servants whose job is to uphold the law, and both coercive control and domestic violence are crimes. If you have concerns, you can speak with an LGBTQIA+ Liaison Officer within the police in New South Wales, Victoria, Queensland, South Australia, Tasmania and the ACT. LGBTQIA+ Liaison Officers are specially trained police officers who provide LGBTQIA+ people with support, advice and assistance when engaging with police, including when reporting domestic and family violence, sexual assault, harassment or hate-related incidents. At the time of writing, Western Australia and the Northern Territory do not have equivalent programs.
If you do not get a good response from any of these services, do not be afraid to reach out to another form of support and let them know. I have advocated for clients in the past where organisations and government departments have failed them, and I will continue to do so.
Whatever you decide, you need a strategy. No one has the right to abuse or control you or stop you talking to a counsellor or therapist. Covering for your partner can put your safety, and even your life, at risk. That is not love. That is a hostage situation.
For more information or to make an appointment, contact me today.